SHAME ON YOU

 

Have you ever been the center of unwanted attention – a time when it seemed that the whole world was focused upon your apparent shortcomings? A time when you just wanted to slither away because you felt like an outsider? When you had “the intensely painful feeling that you are unworthy of love and belonging”?[i] Of course you have. It happens to everyone at some point in their lives, if not multiple. It’s called shame. And all too often, its effects are lethal.

One of my more memorable encounters with shame occurred just over ten years ago while at church. In the middle of a conversation with a handful of fellow congregants, one of our shepherds casually blurted out, “We would never hire anyone as old as you!” Suddenly the spotlight of shame shone upon me, just because I was roughly twenty years older than anyone else participating in our conversation. Never did I imagine that I would be viewed as ready for the rocking chair at fifty-one! I was deemed unworthy of leading others through no fault of my own – I was simply born prior to the others present.      Yet I still felt a sense of shame, as I was not living up to a completely subjective standard. I was belittled because I was older than the average person present; hence, I was obsolete, unworthy of being listened to.

Even though everyone experiences shame at some time, not everyone allows its toxicity to get a foothold in their lives, to fester in their very souls. Thankfully, that was my response. I kept thinking, “What happened to the biblical principles of, ‘The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old’ and ‘Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life’?” [ii],[iii] So I moved forward, wounded for but a moment.

Video: Worthiness 

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[i] Dr. Brene Brown, Shame is Lethal, https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=GEBjNv5M784, accessed 8/18/20

[ii] Proverbs 20:29

[iii] Proverbs 16:31

I wonder if Zechariah and Elizabeth felt a “crown of splendor” on their heads – or did these saints of old also have to deal with shame based on societal standards?

In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years.[i]

Zechariah and Elizabeth were people who walked with God. Their standard for daily life was built upon the foundation of Scripture. Though they weren’t sinless, they were blameless “in the sight of God” because they followed his commands – including seeking forgiveness when they fell short of his will and his ways. They clung tightly to his promise that, “Blessed are they whose way is blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.”[ii]

Yet the questions circled like vultures over Elizabeth’s barrenness: “Doesn’t the law tell us that fertility is among the blessings of obedience to God?”[iii] “Why doesn’t he answer our prayers?” “Is he listening?” Most people would assume that Elizabeth’s barrenness was due to some terrible sin. “Why else would God close her womb?” “Why hasn’t Zechariah divorced her so he could find another woman to keep his family line alive?” Women facing this reality were often shunned and despised – shamed!

At least when Zechariah and Elizabeth were younger (they were most likely past the age of sixty by now), the candle of hope burned brightly. But no longer. Not even a flicker remained – just a wisp of black smoke curling skyward, leaving the aging couple waiting and wondering, “What have I done to cause this disgrace?” Regardless of how Elizabeth’s neighbors may have made her feel, God saw her differently, as “upright.” Her barrenness was not due to any sin in either her or Zechariah’s lives. Regardless, life had to go on for this righteous couple, their shame continually subdued.

Once when Zechariah’s division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God, he was chosen by lot, according to the custom of the priesthood, to go into the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And when the time for the burning of incense came, all the assembled worshipers were praying outside.[iv]

It was Zechariah’s turn to serve at the Temple, so he traveled in from the hill country of Judea. Each of the more than eighteen thousand priests had this privilege during two non-consecutive weeks each year. Yet Zechariah bore a heavy heart as he proceeded on this holy journey. The silence from God regarding a child was deafening. I wonder if Zechariah saw God’s hand slowly removing the layers of disgrace he felt.

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[i] Luke 1:5-7

[ii] Psalm 119:11

[iii] cf. Deuteronomy 7:14; Psalm 113:9

[iv] Luke 1:8-10

As dawn broke on this fateful morning, silhouettes could be seen purposefully moving about the temple, preparing for the morning sacrifices. To preserve order and humility, lots were cast for the morning services that needed to be performed. Despite the lottery-like odds, Zechariah hit the jackpot. God chose him to burn the incense on this day.[i] The hope of every priest had been handed to him. From this day forward, he would be considered “rich and holy.” From a human perspective, it is amazing that Zechariah was the one that God chose for this sacred task. 

In many respects he seemed different from those [other priests] around.  His home was not in either of the great priest-centers – but in some small town …Zecharias [Zechariah] could not have been one of the ‘learned,’ a model priest.  They would have described him as an ‘idiot,’ or common, and as an Ahma-arets, a ‘rustic’ priest, and treated him with benevolent contempt [shame].”[ii]

The issue of a child was not the only area where Zechariah’s questions had been unanswered. It had been 400 years since the last recorded message from one of God’s prophets – 400 years of offered incense, representing the people’s prayers, ascending into heaven. Yet when the smoke disappeared, so did many of their hopes. Yet some came again this morning, desperate for a word from God to break through the shame that hovered over Israel, a nation currently under the thumb of Roman rule.

As he approached the golden altar, Zechariah was alone in the silence…or so he thought.

Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. But the angel said to him: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard…”[iii]

To be ‘heard’ in this context means with the intention of granting Zechariah’s request. In spite of Elizabeth’s barrenness and the couple’s age, they apparently had not stopped praying that God would even yet give them a child. This may be inferred from the angel’s statement, ‘Your prayer has been heard.’ Their continued prayer despite continual obstacles demonstrated their great faith in God. On this day, Gabriel’s voice broke the silence, and that message has thundered across the generations.

“…Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous – to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”[iv]

And then the final layer of shame was removed for Elizabeth: “When his time of service was completed, he [Zechariah] returned home. After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion. ‘The Lord has done this for me,’ she said. ‘In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.’”[v] After five months, we can assume that Elizabeth ‘showed’ her pregnancy so that her neighbors would have verifiable evidence that she was no longer barren. By God’s grace, she was no longer the object of their shame.

Video: Shame is Lethal 

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[i] Proverbs 16:33

[ii] David Stern, Jewish New Testament Commentary (Luke), Lederer Messianic Publications, 1992.

[iii] Luke 1:11-13a

[iv] Luke 1:13b-17

[v] Luke 1:23-25

But sometimes the toxicity of shame becomes too much for some to bear, because they believe they are all alone:

Suicide is the leading cause of death among Asian Americans aged 20-24 years, responsible for about 33% of death in that age bracket.…Asians come from traditional collectivist societies that value interdependence over independence. Consequently, the need to preserve and perpetuate collective honor (family, ethnicity, society, etc.) is held in the highest esteem. Failing to do so leads to what I’ve coined as “Asian shame,” where one feels they have so disgraced their kin they must hide oneself (physically and/or emotionally) or rid oneself from society and atone for their actions by suicide… Mental health is viewed as a weakness, and talking openly about anything emotional (i.e. sadness, disappointments, various life events, etc.) is rarely encouraged. Stoicism rules while physical touch and verbal affirmation can be seen as coddling.[i]

Now admittedly, there are times when we feel guilty as the direct result of our actions, generally when we have done something wrong. But shame is not Jesus’ way of dealing with guilt! “Shame needs three things to grow in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Empathy is hostile to shame.”[ii] No one is more empathetic than Jesus! Bask in the love of Jesus and help others do the same!

SHAME LIES                         LOVE PROCLAIMS

You are an Outcast   “Come to me all you who are weary & burdened and I will give you rest.”[iii]                                           

You are Worthless            “I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.”[iv]

You are Bad                          “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.”[v]         

You are Unlovable              “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son”[vi]

You are Alone                      “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”[vii]

No One Understands  “We do not have a high priest [Jesus] who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses.”[viii]

 

Music: That's How You Change the World 

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[i] Sam Louie, How Asian Shame and Stigma Contribute to Suicide, NAMI Greenville, July 13, 2020. https://www.namigreenvillesc.org/how-asian-shame-and-stigma-contribute-to-suicide/, accessed 8/18/2020

[ii] Dr. Brene Brown, Shame is Lethal, https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/KtbxLzfhZhhlzhLXGHzBXkkfVVjnZJMqLV, accessed 8/18/20

[iii] Matthew 11:28, (italics added)

[iv] Psalm 139:14, (italics added)

[v] Genesis 1:31, (italics added)

[vi] John 3:16, (italics added)

[vii] Hebrews 13:5, (italics added)

[viii] Hebrews 4:15, (italics added)