CIVIL REVOLUTION: LISTEN WITH HUMILITY

 

Some things never change. Sitting around debating has long been a favorite human pastime. However, the advent of the internet and social media has allowed everyone to be an ‘expert,’ to throw their hat into the ring in a quest to ‘argue’ about what he or she believes is right. This has made becoming a better listener exponentially harder for most people – especially considering how easy it is to fire off a missive and then hide in the shadows. “Basic to the art of listening is allowing the other person to speak, providing an open place in the conversation where they are granted the time, the space and the freedom to speak. As simple as this may sound, it can be a major task.”* One of the major reasons for this is that “People can only listen to one another closely when they share the same geography…Listening locally, then, is simply a return to that old but good practice of being an authentic neighbor, being present and attentive to those in our midst.”** This is extremely difficult to do on a screen.

One of the main things we should seek to learn about others is why they speak and act the way they do. What lights the fire under them, especially when their emotions seem especially heightened? It’s rarely easy to discern, and virtually impossible without a true conversation. Digging beneath surface appearances is critical if we are seeking to understand why someone thinks, speaks, and acts the way they do at any given moment. If we don’t take this initial step, we can’t hope to change what we don’t see or comprehend. “Advancements in behavioral genetics, by expounding on the molecular biological inputs of personality, have added a particularly fresh face to our understanding of what makes us the way we are and what makes us act different than our neighbors. The term ‘personality’ is defined as the individual psychological aspects of people that make them ‘recognizable,’ which is to say different from each other.”*** The truth is that different personalities learn in different ways. As hard as this might be to swallow, sometimes we just don’t communicate as effectively as we think, so we must welcome questions and learn to listen in love in order that everyone may grow in grace together.  

Communication needs to be a two-way street. Are we secure enough to allow questions from others about our worldviews? There are many times others may need clarification. Just because we thought we communicated clearly, effectively, and repeatedly does not ensure comprehension occurred on the receiving end. Do we desire to bring hope and healing to our neighbors as they struggle to deal with any of a myriad of situations plaguing our nation and its people on any given day? Then perhaps we need to learn how to be still, be quiet, and “quick to listen.” “An effective leader understands that it is a sign of strength to welcome honest differences and new ways of thinking…Progress is difficult when you won’t listen.”^ Everyone’s hearing improves when all voices are perceived as valuable: 

A review of reports by the Joint Commission, a nonprofit that provides accreditation to health care organizations, found that communication failure (rather than a provider’s lack of technical skill) was at the root of over 70 percent of serious adverse health outcomes in hospitals. A doctor’s ability to explain, listen and empathize has a profound impact on a patient’s care…And on average, physicians wait just 18 seconds before interrupting patients’ narratives of their symptoms. Evidently, we have a long way to go.^^

Unfortunately, this type of ‘shoot from the hip’ attitude is prevalent throughout society today. Too often we don’t allow people to finish their narrative or wait to ask for clarification when a person begins to express their struggles. We seem to think we know better than those who are living in the midst of an issue day in and day out. We, like many doctors, ask what’s going on, but eighteen seconds into the conversation, we’ve already got a prescribed plan in our heads to remedy a situation that has been plaguing the person for years, decades, or perhaps a lifetime. The key is developing true empathy by humbly accepting that unless we are truly walking in the same shoes as the person we are trying to communicate with, there is much we are ignorant about.

A perfect example from my own life is a conversation I was involved in many years ago in which I thought I knew the ultimate answer on how to help bring about racial reconciliation. I casually made a comment about trying to be colorblind in my relationships with others, and I was met with a loving rebuke: “That’s not how people of color want to be seen, and it certainly doesn’t mesh with God’s vision of saving individuals ‘from every nation, tribe, people and language.’” From that moment on, I sought to be color-coordinated in my relationships in order to better understand God’s and my neighbors’ perspectives. May our lives be flavored with the ideals found in the closing legal arguments of Matthew McConaughey from A Time to Kill:

I set out to prove a black man could receive a fair trial in the South, that we are all equal in the eyes of the law. But that’s not the truth because the eyes of the law are human eyes, yours and mine. And until we can see each other as equals, justice is never going to be even-handed. It will remain nothing more than a reflection of our own prejudice. So until that day, we have a duty, under God, to seek the truth; not with our eyes, not with our minds, where fear and hate turn commonality into prejudice – but with our hearts.^^^ 

Video: A Time to Kill

 

Music: Can Anybody Hear Me? 

 

How well would our neighbors say we listen to them and really hear what they are saying? If we truly want to let them know that they are important to us, we must listen with our hearts and minds. This is an activity at which virtually every human being needs to strive to improve. Don’t bother asking if you’re not going to listen. Too many times we ask questions to validate what we think we already know, or to show how much we think we know. Listening well is a gift to both parties. It lets people know they are loved, and “When we make people feel loved, safe, and secure, they will be teachable”* – because love is the greatest motivator in the world. Consider how well Father Greg Boyle does this in his ministry to the “homies” through his parish in Los Angeles:

Often after Mass at the camps, kids will line up to talk one-on-one. The volunteers sometimes invite the minors to confession, but usually the kids just want to talk, be heard, get a blessing. At Camp Afflerbaugh, I’m seated on a bench outside in a baseball field, and one by one, the homies come over to talk briefly. This day, there’s quite a lineup. The next kid approaching, I can tell, is all swagger and pose. His walk is chingon in its highest gear. His head bobs, side-to-side, to make sure all eyes are riveted. He sits down, we shake hands, but he seems unable to shake the scowl etched across his face. “What’s your name? I ask him. “SNIPER,” he sneers. “Okay, look (I had been down this block before), I have a feeling you didn’t pop outta your mom and she took one look at your ass and said, ‘Sniper.’ So, come on, dog, what’s your name?” “Gonzalez,” he relents a little. “Okay now, son, I know the staff here will call you by your last name. I’m not down with that. Tell me, mijo, what’s your mom call you?” “Cabrón.” There is even the slightest flicker of innocence in his answer. “Oye, no cabe duda. But, son, I’m looking for birth certificate here.” The kid softens. I can tell it’s happening. But there is embarrassment and a newfound vulnerability. “Napoleón,” he manages to squeak out, pronouncing it in Spanish. “Wow,” I say, “That’s a fine, noble, historic name. But I’m almost positive that when your jefita calls you, she doesn’t use the whole nine yardas. Come on, mijito, do you have an apodo? What’s your mom call you?” Then I watch him go to some far, distant place—a location he has not visited in some time. His voice, body language, and whole being are taking on a new shape—right before my eyes.  

“Sometimes,”—his voice so quiet, I lean in—“sometimes . . . when my mom’s not mad at me . . . she calls me . . . Napito.” I watched this kid move, transformed, from Sniper to Gonzalez to Cabrón to Napoleón to Napito. We all just want to be called by the name our mom uses when she’s not pissed off at us. Names are important…As misshapen as we feel ourselves to be, attention from another reminds us of our true shape in God.** 

Bottom line, do you allow your neighbors to share what is on their hearts and minds, their fears, their perceived needs? Or do you presume to know what is best for them? How you interact with your neighbors on this level goes a long way in revealing a humble, listening attitude that expresses your desire to be transformational rather than transactional. Do you show unconditional love towards your neighbors or performance-based acceptance? Do your words and actions show you value your neighbors for who they are? Do you truly love the person and their best interest? Or do you love the possible affection and esteem you may receive from that person? “Transactional people are the kinds who use their neighbors as tools to meet their personal needs for validation, status, and identity...Transformational people are other-centered. They use their power and platform to nurture and transform their neighbors.”***

Listen and be amazed at the beautiful variety of people placed all around you – all desiring to be loved and understood:

No question gets asked of me more than, “What’s it like to have enemies working together?” The answer: it is almost always tense at first. A homie will beg for a job, and perhaps I have an opening at the Bakery. “But you’re gonna have to work with X, Y, and Z,” naming enemies already working there. He thinks a bit and invariably will say: “I’ll work with him, but I’m not gonna talk to him.” In the early days, this would unsettle me. Until I discovered that it always becomes impossible to demonize someone you know.****

Video: Make Those Voices Heard 

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*Michael Card, Scribbling in the Sand, Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2002, 92

**David P. Leong, Race and Place, Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2017, 118

***(Molecular genetics of personality: how our genes can bring us to a better understanding of why we act the way we do. Richard P. Ebstein and Salomon Israel, Chapter 17 in the handbook of behavior genetics, edited by Young-Kyu Kim) (Accessed 5/31/2000 on Google Books) https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=T3P_SLtfIN0C&oi=fnd&pg=PA238&ots=yHMpphfi9n&sig=2V3qLJsQZZjD7vlIAxyxGMErs34#v=onepage&q&f=true

^John Wooden & Steve Jamison, Wooden on Leadership, New York, NY: McGraw-Hill, 2005, 28

^^Nimal Joshi, “Doctor, Shut Up and Listen,” https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/05/opinion/doctor-shut-up-and-listen.htm. Accessed 7/24/17.

^^^“A Time to Kill Closing Argument – Edited for the Classroom,” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-mHf7rA5cY, accessed 6/5/20

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*Joshua Medcalf & Jamie Gilbert, Burn Your Goals, USA: Lulu Publishing, 2015, 61

**Father Greg Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart, Detroit, MI: Free Press, 2011, Kindle – location 718, 751

***Joe Ehrmann with Paula Ehrmann and Gregory Jordan, Inside Out Coaching, New York: Simon and Schuster, 2011, 5-6, 94

****Father Greg Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart, Detroit, MI: Free Press, 2011, Kindle – location 1812 (italics added)